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Quotes by the great Groucho Marx (1890 - 1977)

A man's only as old as the woman he feels.

I don't want to belong to any club that would have me as a member.

Marriage is a wonderful institution...if, of course, you like living in an institution.

From Monkey Business: "I know, I know, you're a woman who's been getting nothing but dirty breaks. Well, we can clean and tighten your brakes, but you'll have to stay in the garage all night."

Although it is generally known, I think it's about time to announce that I was born at a very early age.

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it, misdiagnosing it and then misapplying the wrong remedies.

It is better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to open your mouth and remove all doubt.

Blood's not thicker than money. I cannot say that I do not disagree with you.

Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped.

She's afraid that if she leaves, she'll become the life of the party.

From At the Circus: "You've forgotten those June nights at the Riviera...the night I drank champagne from your slipper--two quarts. It would have been more but you were wearing inner soles."

I drink to make other people interesting.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.

Now there's a man with an open mind - you can feel the breeze from here!

There is only one way to find out if a man is honest...ask him. If he says 'yes', you know he is crooked.

We in the industry know that behind every successful screenwriter stands a woman. And behind her stands his wife.

Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!

I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.

There's one thing I always wanted to do before I quit...retire!

You get a canoe later and I'll paddle you.

Room service? Send up a larger room.

Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.

I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

My mother loved children---she would have given anything if I had been one.

I'd horsewhip you if I had a horse.

He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot.

I'm going to Iowa for an award. Then I'm appearing at Carnegie Hall, it's sold out. Then I'm sailing to France to be honored by the French government. I'd give it all up for one erection.

From the moment I picked your book up until I put it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five.

Ice Water? Get some Onions - that'll make your eyes water!

Go, and never darken my towels again.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

Time wounds all heels.

So just what ARE time flies, and why do they fly like an ARROW?

Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me?

"Mommy, mommy! The garbage man is here!" "Well, tell him we don't want any!"

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.

Remember men, you are fighting for the lady's honor; which is probably more than she ever did.

Oh are you from Wales ?? Do you know a fella named Jonah ?? He used to live in whales for a while.

Look, if you don't like my parties, you can leave in a huff. If that's too soon, leave in a minute and a huff. If you can't find that, you can leave in a taxi.

Last night I shot an elephant in my Pajamas. How he got in my pajamas I'll never know.

We took pictures of the native girls, but they weren't developed. . . But we're going back next week.

I write by ear. I tried writing with the typewriter, but I found it too unwieldy.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

If you want to see a comic strip, you should see me in the shower.

I'll never forget my wedding day...they threw vitamin pills.

I don't have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They're upstairs in my socks.

I worked myself up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.

Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows, marriage does.

In America you can go on the air and kid the politicians, and the politicians can go on the air and kid the people.

I met my wife on a ferry boat, and when we landed she gave me the slip.

I made a killing on Wall Street a few years ago...I shot my broker.

As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife.

Well, art is art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water! And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now, uh... Now you tell me what you know.